Salesman From Mars Read online

  “This won’t stand!” I said, as we left for the Scorpion City National Bank across the street. I angrily pounded my fist on the counter at the bank teller cage.

  “How may I help you this fine day, sir?” asked a perky scorpion bank teller. “Did you know that if you open a first-time checking or savings account with us today, First National Bank of Scorpion City will give you a free sack of delicious sweet Lopez oranges?”

  I slapped my card on the counter. “I want to report unauthorized activity on my card!” I announced. “I did not authorize these transactions!”

  “Oh, yes, you did,” advised the scorpion bank teller, checking the computer monitor screen closer.

  “Impossible!” I argued. “I was unconscious in the hospital.”

  “Oh my, Mr. Crisp, you have been a very bad boy,” the scorpion bank teller said, blushing a lovely shade of magenta as she reviewed the video documentation. “Recordings show exactly what you got for your money. You should be spanked, sweetie. You were bad!”

  Several other bank tellers gathered around to see as she turned up the sound track. Even I blushed at the screams, hisses, and moans. I ran from the bank.

  “Wait!” a voice called out. “You! Mr. Donald Crisp the Third, intergalactic porn star! Do you need money? Come back here. Let me help resolve your financial woes. I am the last ATM you will ever need!”

  I stopped, looking about. No one was there, except an unassuming United States Galactic Federation Foreign Legion Recruitment ATM. “I’m not joining the Legion,” I replied. “Me either!” added Pierce, horrified at the thought. “I already served in the Big One. That was enough for me!” “I am merely offering a loan,” explained the ATM. “Nothing more. I will lend each of you fifty thousand dollars for walk-about money. As soon as you get jobs, you can pay me back, interest-free. You will not get a better deal than that. What do you say?” A written contract shot out on a tray. “Just put your thumb on my pad.”

  “What could go wrong?” whispered Shaky Jake. “We’re good for it. There is lots of money to be earned around here. And if not, we can always slip back across the border. I’ll just buy a donkey and disappear into the hills, like before. You can come with me. This is free money.”

  “Yes, free money,” repeated the ATM. “What could be better? But I would not advise skipping across the border to avoid debts. It is unethical.”

  “Whatever,” said Shaky Jake, putting his thumb on the pad. Blood smeared onto the glass. “Ouch!” “Sorry about that,” said the ATM. “I needed a DNA sample for positive identification.” Pierce and I put our thumbs on the pad too. The ATM issued us each fifty thousand dollars. “Remember, per your written contracts, you have two months to pay back your loan. Otherwise, you have just enlisted into the USGF Foreign Legion, a fine and noble organization. Of course, should war break out, you are in for the duration.”

  “Sucker!” shouted Shaky Jake. “I am not paying you back, and I’m not enlisting in your Legion either! I am going North with my fifty thousand dollars, and you will never see me again!”

  “If you try to skip out, a nano-chip I inserted into your bloodstream will work its way to your brain and explode.” warned the ATM.

  We all looked at our thumbs. “He’s bluffing,” I said. “That’s not in the contract.”

  Pierce put on his reading glasses and read the back side of the loan contract. “Shit!” he exclaimed. “Shit, shit, shit!”

  back to Table of Contents

  Chapter 5

  “General Lopez wants his truck and trailer returned,” advised Corporal Tonelli, as we still argued in the street. “You will be taking a return load.”

  “Forget it!” I replied. “No more smuggling for me. I’m a salesman, not a weapons dealer!”

  “You will be paid well,” advised Corporal Tonelli. “I promise you won’t have to do any more weapons smuggling. I know you need the money to pay off your loans.”

  “How do you know that?” asked Pierce. “Do you have us bugged?”

  “Our Legion ATM told me,” answered Corporal Tonelli. “ATMs know all.”

  “That’s supposed to be confidential information,” protested Pierce. “This is a conspiracy of the military industrial complex! You can’t push us around like that. There are laws.”

  “Get someone else to drive Lopez’s truck,” I added. “We’ll find another gig.”

  “General Lopez wants you,” replied Corporal Tonelli. “He was impressed by how you handled those bandits. Lopez will pay you fifty thousand dollars apiece. He wants added security, and someone he can trust to do a good job hauling his cargo.”

  “What’s the cargo?” I asked. “You promised no weapons.”

  “Of course not,” advised Corporal Tonelli. “General Lopez has no need for weapons. After all, he’s in the Legion. All you’ll be carrying is apples.”

  “But what is going to be under the apples?” I pressed, unsatisfied with Tonelli’s evasive answers.

  “Nothing you need to know about,” replied Corporal Tonelli. “Oh, just one thing. You will need to be inoculated before taking possession of the truck and trailer.”

  Corporal Tonelli nodded to a Legion medic. The medic produced an air gun hypo, shooting serum into my arm. Pierce was upset, but went along under protest. However, the needle bent and broke against the exoskeleton of Shaky Jake.

  “Sorry about that,” apologized Medic Knight. “I forgot I need to use a special hypo needle for you spiders.” “No way!” shouted Shaky Jake, backing away. “I am afraid of needles!” Medic Knight took a drill device from his pouch. It hummed like a dental drill when Knight eagerly pressed the trigger. “Don’t be such a wimp,” I advised. “We both got our inoculations, and it didn’t hurt a bit.” “Speak for yourself,” grumbled Pierce, still rubbing his arm. “That shot from Hell still hurts!” “You’ll be okay when the pain stops,” promised Medic Knight. “Hold still before you cause an accident!” “I haven’t agreed to go with you yet,” complained Shaky Jake. “Isn’t anyone curious about why we need to be inoculated? Will we be carrying dangerous bugs?”

  “That’s a good question,” said Pierce. “Are we smuggling contagious germs this time?”

  “Well?” I asked. “They raise a good point.”

  “To tell you the truth,” Corporal Tonelli said, “I don’t really know, and I don’t care. All life worth living has some risk. The inoculations are just a precaution. I was told the cargo is totally safe. Just don’t drop the packages or get in a wreck, because that could cause a serious problem. Understand?”

  “Sure, I understand,” I replied. “I want a hundred thousand dollars apiece.” “Deal,” agreed Corporal Tonelli. “It’s drugs, isn’t it?” whispered Pierce. “We should check it out once we get across the border.” Medic Knight drilled into Shaky Jake’s arm. It smelled of burnt spider, reminding me of my childhood when I scorched ants with a magnifying glass. I still felt guilty about that.

  “Don’t worry, I’m a highly trained medical specialist,” advised Knight. “This won’t hurt a bit.” “You finally took that first aid class?” asked Corporal Tonelli. “I hate CPR training.” “I still have not agreed to come along,” insisted Shaky Jake. “We’re partners,” I said. “Remember? Besides, don’t you want to pay off your loan? Or do you want to risk enlistment in the Foreign Legion? Me? I just want that exploding chip out of my bloodstream.”

  “Fine!” exclaimed Shaky Jake, resigned to his fate. “Ouch! I thought you said this would not hurt!”

  “Sorry,” replied Medic Knight. “The drill slipped. You’re my first alien. I’m having trouble finding a vein. I might have to drill again.”

  Shaky Jake snatched the drill from Knight, throwing it to the pavement and stomping it to pieces. “That’s what you can do with your needles and drills,” shouted Shaky Jake. “No more!” “That was my last alien hypo. Do you have any idea how much those things cost?” “No,” replied Shaky Jake. “And I don’t ca
re!” “I don’t know the exact cost, but I’ll bet it’s a lot.” “Do we have a deal?” asked Guido. “All three of you are going? We all nodded in the affirmative. “Great! I expect to see all of you at the border crossing first thing in the morning!”

  * * * * *

  Corporal Tonelli waved us through without checking IDs or conducting a search. However, the spider guard on the other side stopped us. “What are you carrying?” asked the Arthropodan marine guard.

  “Apples,” I replied.

  “Have your apples been inspected and certified to be apple-maggot-free?” asked the spider guard. “You are now entering an apple-maggot-free zone.”

  “Yes,” I answered, handing over my bill of lading. “All my paperwork is in order, and I’ve been duly inspected and certified. We’ve been inoculated too. Didn’t you see Guido pass us through?”

  “Sometimes Guido forgets details,” explained the spider guard. “Open your trailer. I will conduct my own inspection.”

  “Hey, why are you hassling us?” asked Pierce. “It’s not like we’re still carrying nukes or anything dangerous. All we have are apples!”

  “Nukes?” asked the spider guard. “What did you say about nukes?”

  “Guido promised we could pass through without being hassled,” argued Pierce, still feeling a mushroom high, but losing the good feeling. “Fascist!”

  “I intend to conduct a thorough search,” advised the spider guard, pointing his submachine gun at Pierce.

  Pierce got more agitated as spider marines surrounded us. He reached into his pouch, quickly trying to eat the rest of the magic mushrooms. As Pierce eagerly destroyed evidence, a spider marine grabbed for the pouch. Pierce stepped away just in time, tossing the pouch to me. I tossed it Shaky Jake.

  “You human pestilence show identification immediately!” ordered the spider guard.

  “Does that mean I can go?” asked Shaky Jake, tossing the pouch back at me. “I don’t even know these human pestilence. I am just hitchhiking.”

  “You too, traitorous renegade!” ordered the spider guard. “Especially you!”

  Shaky Jake and I grudgingly handed over our IDs to be scanned. Immediately alarms sounded, indicating warrants of arrest issued for selling defective anti-croc repellent and defective divining rods.

  “Run!” shouted Pierce as he bolted for the Legion checkpoint, throwing another pouch of mushrooms across the fence to Corporal Tonelli. The pouch hung up on the razor wire as spiders pounced on Pierce. He punched and thrashed about, falling to the ground. Spider guards kicked Pierce into submission, then strung him upside down in web from a stop sign post. Blood rushed to his head. “Fascist spider pigs! You think you’re tough ganging up on me like this? You’re all a bunch of punks! And your Emperor is a mother f–!”

  A spider guard duct taped Pierce’s mouth shut to prevent grievous slurring of the Emperor’s ancestry. “Another use for duct tape!” exclaimed the spider guard, marking a note on his electronic pad.

  * * * * *

  The Supreme Commander of Arthropodan Marines for the New Gobi Military District entered our jail cell, staring at me intensely. “It is him!” shouted the spider commander, pointing triumphantly. “That is the human pestilence who sold me tea bags, claiming they were anti-croc repellent!”

  “Sir, you are mistaken,” I replied, innocently. “I have never seen you before.”

  “Ha! Usually you human pestilence all look alike, but I remember your perfectly even teeth and your smile that won’t quit as you lie!” exclaimed the spider commander. “There is no mistaken identity here!”

  “I assure you, sir, that I have no idea what you are talking about,” I said. “Have we met?”

  The spider commander slapped me across the face with his claw. “Do not be impertinent with me, you human pestilence!” he shouted. “I will knock those pearly whites out of your skull. I had those tea bags analyzed by a lab! You cheated me!”

  “Sir, I apologize,” I said. “I was broke and desperate for money. I’ll be happy to pay you back with interest, now that good fortune has once again found me.”

  “Oh you will pay dearly,” advised the spider commander. “I am missing another arm because of you! A croc bit it off! I am lucky to even be alive!”

  “Limbs easily grow back on you spiders, don’t they?” I asked, trying to reason with the angry spider general. “There’s no permanent damage done. Can’t I just post bail, pay the fine, whatever? Add a little extra for pain and suffering, to teach this unwashed human pestilence a lesson. Did I mention I have lots of money?”

  “I do not want your money!” replied the spider commander. “You and your gang are going to be executed by firing squad at dawn. Good riddance to you all!”

  “Executed?” asked Pierce. “I can understand those two being executed, but since when is possession of magic mushrooms a capital offense? It’s not even a misdemeanor.”

  “You will be executed for insulting the Emperor, his mother, and the entire royal lineage!” explained the spider commander. “All your vulgar rants are recorded on video! You will be shot by firing squad three times!”

  “I’m sorry,” cried Pierce. “I didn’t mean it. I was high, and angry. When I’m angry I call everyone a mother f–” “Stop!” ordered the spider commander. “Or I’ll duct tape your foul mouth again and shoot you now!” “Damn. You spiders are wound way too tight.” “I want a lawyer!” I interrupted. “We are United States Galactic Federation citizens, and we have rights! General Lopez is a personal friend of mine! The Legion will not be happy about this flagrant abuse of USGF citizens.”

  “You know Lopez?” asked the spider commander, not impressed. “That figures. Lopez cannot save you.” The spider commander stormed out, slamming the metal cell door behind him.

  * * * * *

  “You have a visitor!” announced a spider marine guarding our cell. “Colonel Czerinski of the Legion!”

  The large legion officer sported reflective sunglasses and an old scar on his forehead that looked like it came from a bullet to the head. He seemed a bit young to be a colonel. Czerinski looked us over with disdain. I offered my hand to shake, but was ignored.

  “I wanted to just leave you criminals to the spiders, but that would set a bad precedent,” explained Colonel Czerinski. “For some reason, General Lopez has taken a special interest in you Three Stooges. He wants you sprung from spider jail. So! Why does Lopez give you three a good recommendation? What’s so special about you?”

  “We were driving a truck for General Lopez when we got busted,” I replied. “Maybe General Lopez wants his truck back.”

  “All we were carrying was apples,” cried Pierce. “You’ve got to believe us.”

  “The truck has already been returned,” advised Colonel Czerinski. “And I don’t give a damn about apples. What makes you three cretins so special? Why am I wasting my time here? Tell the truth, or I’m out the door now!”

  “We killed some bandits out by Lopez’s Farms,” I said. “Maybe that’s it. How are you going to get us out of here? Will Legion commandos rescue us?”

  “Not likely,” answered Colonel Czerinski. “I would not risk my commandos for the likes of you. However, this is your lucky day. According to treaty, the spiders have to return all legionnaires in their custody as part of an ongoing prisoner exchange.”

  “But we are not legionnaires,” said Shaky Jake. “How does that help us? I am a citizen of the Empire!”

  “ATM records show you all signed enlistment contracts, agreeing to service in the Foreign Legion, pending default of repayment of your loans,” explained Colonel Czerinski. “If you exercise your option to join the Legion, the spiders are required by treaty to release you to my custody. Unfortunately, I am required by treaty to take you,” he sneered. “Standards have dropped since I first enlisted.”

  “Join the Legion?” asked Pierce. “I’d rather be tortured by the spiders than willingly join you warmonger
s!” “Good,” replied Colonel Czerinski. “Then it’s all settled. You will be executed at dawn, and I wash my hands of you.” “Wait!” I said. “We accept enlistment! We all agree to proudly serve in the USGF Foreign Legion.” “You too?” asked Colonel Czerinski, glaring at Pierce. “Yes, me too!” answered Pierce. “There is nothing I would like more than to join the Legion and fight spiders on this godforsaken dusty planet. Mother f–”

  “It doesn’t really matter,” announced Colonel Czerinski. “You three are being given a second chance, but the New Gobi Desert is not a forgiving place. The desert will surely kill you all soon enough. Everything in the desert bites, pokes, or stings. You won’t last long.”

  back to Table of Contents

  Chapter 6

  I suspected Colonel Czerinski didn’t like us much. His motto was obviously ‘out of sight, out of mind,’ so we were given over to Master Sergeant Green, issued uniforms, weapons, and supplies, and assigned to the most remote desert border post possible. Privates Shaky Jake, Tony Pierce, and I watched apprehensively as Sergeant Green’s armored car crested a hill in a cloud of dust, leaving us alone. I leaned against a sand bag wall of our bunker, trying to stay in the shade. The New Gobi Desert was hot and not very hospitable.

  “I see spiders coming at us!” cried Private Pierce, pointing across the border fence.

  Sure enough, three heavily armed spider marines were carefully picking their way through the spiral razor wire. Once through, they approached single file towards our bunker. I aimed my assault rifle, and pulled the trigger. Nothing happened. The rifle did not work. I started flipping levers and switches, hoping to find the safety or something. Still, I could not get the weapon to work. Pierce’s rifle would not fire either.