Lieutenant Columbus Read online

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  AMERICA’S GALACTIC FOREIGN LEGION

  Book 15: Lieutenant Columbus

  by Walter Knight

  In this fifteenth installment of the whacky military science fiction series, a new Legion recruit claims Major Lopez (General Lopez in the future!) used a time machine to travel from planet New Colorado to bring Christopher Columbus into the United States Galactic Federation Foreign Legion. Lopez of the present, however, doesn’t have any knowledge of this, so everyone in the Legion assumes Lieutenant Columbus is a crackpot claiming to be the real Christopher Columbus, credited with discovering America on Old Earth.

  Colonel Czerinski, with his usual lackadaisical aplomb, manages to mangle the plot to find gold in the legendary lost mine of old Bob Woodard while pissing off the spiders across the DMZ. Things get even crazier when old foe and hated Legion deserter, Tony ‘The Toe’ Garcia, makes another appearance, claiming vampire commandos from the future are pursuing him. Everyone knows vampires don’t exist – right?

  Hargundu the humping camel, and an appearance by revered Smokey the Bear, round out the silliness in this perpetually preposterous military science fiction series.

  ~TABLE OF CONTENTS~

  Story Summary

  Copyright Information

  Author Acknowledgement

  Part I – Lieutenant Columbus

  Prologue

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Part II – Lieutenant Patton

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter16

  Chapter17

  Bonus Humor

  Sneak Preview – Book 16

  About the Author

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  AMERICA’S GALACTIC FOREIGN LEGION

  Book 15: Lieutenant Columbus

  by

  Walter Knight

  Licensed and Produced through

  Penumbra Publishing

  http://PenumbraPublishing.com

  ELECTRONIC EDITION

  EBOOK ISBN/EAN-13: 978-1-935563-86-0

  Copyright 2011 Walter Knight

  All rights reserved

  Also available in PRINT ISBN/EAN-13: 978-1-935563-87-7

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, planets, asteroids, alien species, evil empires, galaxies far, far way, or future events and incidents, are the product of the author’s imagination, or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons or aliens, living or dead, events or locales including those on Mars and New Colorado, is entirely coincidental.

  Licensing Note: This ebook is licensed and sold for your personal enjoyment. Under copyright law, you may not resell, give away, or share copies of this book. You may purchase additional copies of this book for other individuals or direct them to purchase their own copies. If you are reading this book but did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, out of respect for the author’s effort and right to earn income from the work, please contact the publisher or retailer to purchase a legal copy.

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  ~AUTHOR ACKNOWLEDGEMENT~

  God bless our troops, Penumbra Publishing editor Patricia Morrison, and especially our snipers.

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  AMERICA’S GALACTIC FOREIGN LEGION

  Book 15: Lieutenant Columbus

  by Walter Knight

  PART I

  Lieutenant Columbus

  Prologue

  Admiral of the Ocean Seas

  As the sun set on the historic city of Valladolid, Christoffa Corombo – or Cristóbal Colón, as the Spaniards called him – slowly walked to his residence. Suffering greatly from arthritis and failing health, he felt Death stalking him with every painful step. An old man in his fifties, he judged many days not worth getting up for.

  Ignorant children followed behind, chanting, “Admiral of the Mosquitoes!” They stayed just out of reach of his walking stick. The oldest teen dared to throw a rock.

  Christoffa ignored them, stewing in his own bitterness. He had been cheated out of fortune and titles by an unappreciative ruler. The King of Spain ignored all messages. Enemies had the king’s ear.

  “I discovered a new world!” Columbus continually reminded his many critics. So what if he had not found a shortcut to China and the Indies, or gold for all. His discovery was of much greater importance. “This world has more abundance than the East. But the King of Spain has no interest and rewards me not!” His objections upset them even more.

  In the encroaching darkness of twilight, a stranger stepped from the shadows. Columbus drew up short, and the children taunting him scattered.

  “Are you Christopher Columbus,” the oddly dressed man demanded. “Admiral of the Ocean seas, Viceroy of the Indies, Discoverer of America?”

  Christoffa paused, taking in the stranger’s odd clothing and unusual accent. The way he pronounced his name was a variation he’d heard spoken by the English. “Sì, I am Christoffa Corombo. Who are you?”

  “He discovered lands of vanity and delusion, graves and ruin!” interrupted the leader of the pack of youths. “What business do you have with him?”

  The man turned on the youth. “I am a traveler. And you – a nuisance!” He sprayed something in the youth’s face, sending him sprawling to the ground screaming and clutching his eyes. The other youths who still lingered fled. The traveler delivered several vicious kicks to the boy’s ribs, urging him to get up and stagger away. He returned his attention back to Christoffa and announced, “I am General Manny Lopez, an emissary from America, sent to bestow upon you a gift from America, to the Discoverer of America. We are in your debt and intend to rescue you from your wretched treatment and impending death.”

  “A general?” asked Christoffa, doubting. “You seem too young.”

  “Like you, I hold many titles. I promoted myself – it’s faster that way.”

  “You dress odd,” commented Christoffa. “But obviously you are a soldier. Did you say you sailed from the New World?”

  “From America,” repeated General Lopez, patiently. “Like you, I am a conquistador. I have sailed across the stars and time itself to restore your honor, youth, and titles.”

  Christoffa gazed speculatively at the heavens. “I have always suspected that each star was its own world, waiting to be discovered and conquered. Yes, I can see it in your eyes; you tell the truth about coming from America. You have the hint of the Arawak people in your features.”

  “Not likely,” scoffed General Lopez. “I am from Texas. But, I have sailed across the galaxy and back.”

  “I accept that you may have traveled the stars, but you also boast of finding the famed Fountain of Youth?”

  “Our technology can extend your life another hundred years and cure your many ailments,” promised General Lopez. “Come with me to new Colorado. A new bountiful life awaits you in a galaxy far, far away, where you will have the respect you deserve. You will live long and prosper.”

  “What about my family? My dear sons?”

  “I cannot risk changing history. A clone corpse will be left in your deathbed, and you will leave this world alone. Please, sir, sail the stars. It is your destiny, your birthright.”

  Christoffa stared off in silence for a moment, watching the twilight turn to dark. He was in his twilight, with not long to live, he was sure. And the time he did have left would be spent in misery and pain and poverty imposed b
y the litigation with the King over his supposed failure to deliver what he had been sent to do on his various ocean voyages. He glanced at this peculiar stranger promising him renewed life. Although he wanted to believe the things this man claimed, he doubted they were possible. Yet a man of his situation had little left but hope.

  With a heavy sigh, he turned to General Lopez and said, “I accept your gracious offer. I will need to set my house in order and say my goodbyes.”

  “Of course. You have until just before dawn.”

  Christoffa Corombo walked the rest of the way home to say farewell to his sons and a few faithful servants. He recorded his newest plans of discovery and adventure his journal, leaving the document in a desk drawer. At dawn, he blasted off to the stars with General Lopez, to join America’s Galactic Foreign Legion.

  A Millennium later ... Mystery at the Museum

  General Manny Lopez, CIA Special Agent Max Hobbs, and museum curator Bruce Boedecker, all sat facing each other in a soundproof conference room deep in the bowels of the Smithsonian Museum. Despite a deep-rooted interest in the past, General Lopez had never visited the Smithsonian and was unsure why he had been summoned.

  “Do you have an interest in Christopher Columbus?” asked Agent Hobbs, abruptly getting to the point.

  “No.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “You accusing me of something?” asked General Lopez, angrily rising from his chair. “What is this about?”

  Agent Hobbs handed Lopez an ancient Columbus relic, a journal, long archived under lock and key. “Read it,” ordered Agent Hobbs.

  General Lopez scowled. This arrogant fool will pay dearly. “Columbus was a great conquistador,” he said, gently holding the diary. “So, what do I care of the final ramblings of long-dead Euro-trash?”

  “A graduate student doing research on Columbus’s last days found some interesting information that was, until now, undiscovered,” explained Boedecker. “Please read the last page.”

  General Lopez carefully opened the fragile diary, turning to the end. Using a translator, Lopez read aloud the last dying words of Christopher Columbus, Admiral of the Ocean Seas. “Today General Manny Lopez, a conquistador of America’s Galactic Foreign Legion, offered to restore my respect, fortune, and youth. General Lopez sails the winds of time and knows the secret of the Fountain of Youth. General Lopez boasts a powerful America conquered the stars. As reward, and in appreciation of my great discovery of the New World, I am to trek the stars too. Destiny is to be seized, and I accept General Lopez’s gracious offer. God willing, I shall return triumphant. God bless and protect my family.”

  “You have some explaining to do, mister,” threatened Agent Hobbs.

  “What sort of sick joke is this forgery?” scoffed General Lopez, nervously sliding his hand down to his sidearm. “You cannot be serious!”

  “The journal is authentic,” explained Boedecker. “We were hoping you could shed some light on history.”

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  Chapter 1

  My name is Colonel Joey R. Czerinski, Hero of the Legion, Butcher of New Colorado, Garrison Commander of United States Galactic Federation Foreign Legion troops at the Demilitarized Zone crossroads of New Gobi City, planet of New Colorado. All is good again in the galaxy. I plan to retire soon, living off my many investments.

  Today, a young lieutenant stood in front of my desk, saluting, and presenting his orders, fresh from Officer’s Candidate School. “Lieutenant Christopher Columbus?” I commented, chuckling as I scanned his file. “Born October Tenth. Your parents have a sense of humor.”

  “My family is long dead, sir,” replied Lieutenant Columbus, stiffening as he gripped the hilt of his sword.

  “I’ll bet you got into a lot of fights in school.”

  “At the Academy, jokesters tormented me at their peril!”

  “What’s with the sword?” I asked, alarmed at Columbus’s temper. “What is your accent? Italian?”

  “Genoese,” answered Lieutenant Columbus, still agitated. “I am from the Republic of Genoa. As a legionnaire, I consider myself Genoese-American. The Legion authorizes officers to carry a bladed weapon of choice. I choose my ceremonial sword over your puny combat knife any day.”

  “You and Corporal Tonelli should get along fine,” I groused, never having heard of Genoese, but knowing enough Italians to recognize another wise guy.

  “Never bring a sword to a gun fight,” interrupted Major Manny Lopez, my second in command. Lopez had been standing to the side, unnoticed until now. “It could be unhealthy. You carry a sword because you fancy yourself a conquistador, like the real Columbus?”

  “You!” exclaimed Lieutenant Columbus. “We have met!”

  “Not likely,” scoffed Major Lopez. “I was briefed before your arrival. You graduated last in your class, with a reputation for brawling. Welcome to the New Gobi Desert. Everything here bites, pokes, or stings. You should fit in well.”

  “Thank you, fellow conquistador,” replied Lieutenant Columbus, his mood much improved as he shook hands. “I assure you, sirs, I am fully competent with all Legion weapons. My sword is for show. I feel naked without it.”

  “We are glad to have you,” I said. “You arrived just in time. Tonight the battalion deploys to New Jellystone National Park. Scorpion bandits are poaching buffalo again. Ever since the scorpions found out Smokey the Bear isn’t real, their poaching is out of control. The Legion will put an end to that, once and for all.”

  I gazed out my office window at Sergeant Williams and his forest ranger buddies loading top-secret anti-poaching equipment. Williams let out a rebel yell as the last crate was tossed into the back of an armored car.

  “It is a cruel twist of fate that I am assigned to this vast ocean of desert,” Lieutenant Columbus said. “Like pirates, those scorpion savages cannot hide forever, and will face the rope or my sword. Colonel Czerinski, your Butcher of New Colorado reputation precedes you, and I am proud to serve under your command.”

  “I get a lot of bad press.”

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  Chapter 2

  Major Lopez and Lieutenant Columbus rode lazily at the head of the column atop the turret of an armored car. The night air was refreshing. Columbus stared up at the unfamiliar constellations, then checked his GPS. “We approach Scorpion Valley, population ten thousand,” announced Lieutenant Columbus. “But I see no lights.”

  “The scorpions live mostly underground,” advised Major Lopez. “They believe it is wrong to disturb the desert ecosystem with surface structures.”

  “The desert is like an ocean, with its life underground,” commented Lieutenant Columbus.

  “And a perfect disguise above,” agreed Major Lopez, humming a tune from antiquity.

  “In the desert, you can’t remember your name,” added Lieutenant Columbus, thoughtfully. “Because there is no one to give you pain.”

  “Stop!” interrupted the driver, Private Knight. “There are copyright laws at play. Have you no ethics?”

  “That Knight is an odd duck,” groused Major Lopez. “Always has been. Too many concussions from IEDs.”

  “You don’t remember our first meeting?” Columbus asked Lopez, ignoring Knight. “You were a general.”

  “I got busted,” explained Major Lopez. “Politics rears its ugly head again. We have never met. I would have remembered a name like Christopher Columbus.”

  “You wore five stars on your collar, and you sailed the winds of time.”

  “Five stars, eh? That’s a good one!”

  “You promoted yourself. It was faster that way.”

  “You watch your mouth,” warned Major Lopez, grabbing Columbus by the front of his shirt. “I don’t know what you are about, but you are an odd duck, just like that fool, Knight.”

  “I seek gold so I can buy the Fountain of Youth,” replied Lieutenant Columbus, brushing Lopez back. “I will know the secret of your youth.”

  “You want to live
forever?”

  “That is my goal,” boasted Lieutenant Columbus. “So far, so good.”

  “No one lives forever,” insisted Major Lopez.

  “I suppose you are right,” replied Lieutenant Columbus, looking up at the sky. “I will seize my destiny. And when I die, do not light candles. The stars are enough for me.”

  “Another dreamer,” scoffed Major Lopez. “You’ll fit into the Legion just fine. Don’t let the New Gobi kill you first.”

  At a crossroads stood the bright golden arches of McDonald’s, and a Texaco gas station. As vehicles lined up for fuel, legionnaires automatically dispersed to secure a perimeter. Lopez and Columbus pulled alongside the drive-up window of McDonald’s, first in line.

  “Welcome to Scorpion Valley McDonald’s,” greeted a cheerful young scorpion clerk. “May I take your order, sir?”

  “Where is everyone?” asked Lieutenant Columbus, only seeing desert about them. “Did they flee?”

  “Asleep, I guess,” the clerk answered. “Graveyard shift is like that.”

  “The scorpions live below the surface,” reminded Major Lopez. “A city lies all about us, with its life underground, and a perfect disguise above.”

  “Stop!” warned Private Knight again. “I’ll have a Double Quarter Pounder with American cheese, and a large chocolate shake.”

  “You can eat MREs, fool,” advised Major Lopez, dismissing the always hungry Knight. “We are searching for buffalo poachers,” he advised the clerk. “What do you know of poachers?”

  “I haven’t seen no stinking poachers,” answered the young scorpion. “You don’t look like Smokey the Bear’s forest rangers. Where are your badges?”

  “Don’t say it!” implored Private Knight, again.