America's Galactic Foreign Legion - Book 21: Breaking Very Bad Read online

  AMERICA’S GALACTIC FOREIGN LEGION

  Book 21: Breaking Very Bad

  by Walter Knight

  In the twenty-first installment of this preposterous science fiction series, Colonel Joey R. Czerinski has his hands full trying to keep the drug trade and the Arthropodan spider commander under control on planet New Colorado. Stationed at the New Gobi Desert, the Legion battalion suffers hot conditions, but things heat up even more when Major Manny Lopez uses the time machine to bring two grade-A cookers from the past to concoct a special recipe of blue powder to be distributed on New Colorado.

  Privates Whyte and Pink, with new identities and a new lease on life, are now working for Lopez and his CIA buddies – and another silent partner who will remain unnamed. As usual, Czerinski is unaware and ineffectual in handling the situation, even when God gets involved!

  With one crisis averted, another always takes its place, and thermonuclear war looms on the horizon, but Czerinski’s attention is focused elsewhere. Can he keep it together long enough to make another successful wager on football? His motto has always been, ‘If you can’t handle the heat, get out of the kitchen.’ And get out he does when things get really hot in New Gobi City. Time for a little R&R far, far away, in the past. Patton for President, anyone? The laughs continue to the bitter end of defeat.

  AMERICA’S GALACTIC FOREIGN LEGION

  Book 21: Breaking Very Bad

  by Walter Knight

  Licensed and Produced through

  Penumbra Publishing

  http://PenumbraPublishing.com

  ELECTRONIC EDITION

  EBOOK ISBN/EAN-13: 978-1-938758-38-6

  Copyright 2013 Walter Knight

  All rights reserved

  Also available in PRINT ISBN/EAN-13: 978-1-938758-39-3

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, planets, asteroids, alien species, evil empires, galaxies far, far way, or future events and incidents, are the product of the author’s imagination, or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons or aliens, living or dead, events or locales including those on Mars and New Colorado, is entirely coincidental.

  Licensing Note: This ebook is licensed and sold for your personal enjoyment. Under copyright law, you may not resell, give away, or share copies of this book. You may purchase additional copies of this book for other individuals or direct them to purchase their own copies. If you are reading this book but did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, out of respect for the author’s effort and right to earn income from the work, please contact the publisher or retailer to purchase a legal copy.

  ~BOOKS BY THE AUTHOR~

  America’s Galactic Foreign Legion series

  Book 1: Feeling Lucky

  Book 2: Reenlistment

  Book 3: Silent Invasion

  Book 4: Demilitarized Zone

  Book 5: Insurgency

  Book 6: Culture War

  Book 7: Enemies

  Book 8: Allies

  Book 9: Scorpions

  Book 10: Peacekeepers

  Book 11: Cemetery City

  Book 12: The Ark

  Book 13: Salesman from Mars

  Book 14: Embassy War

  Book 15: Lieutenant Columbus

  Book 16: Galactic Disney (coauthor James Boedeker)

  Book 17: Randal Telk (coauthor James Boedeker)

  Book 18: First Contact

  Book 19: ATM

  Book 20: Time Machine

  Vampire in the Outfield

  Zombie Missouri

  ~ACKNOWLEDGEMENT~

  I am a fan of the recently concluded Breaking Bad television series about a high school chemistry teacher dying of cancer who teams with a former student to manufacture and distribute meth. The writing and acting were phenomenal. Creator Vince Gilligan is my hero. In America’s Galactic Foreign Legion – Book 21: Breaking Very Bad, I tried to respectfully spoof and give Walt and Jesse a new lease on life, so they could live long and prosper in a galaxy far, far away. May they not go over to the Dark Side as they break very bad.

  I dedicate America’s Galactic Foreign Legion – Book 21: Breaking Very Bad to American hero Delbert Belton. Many thanks to Penumbra Publishing editor Patricia Morrison for making my literary dreams come true.

  AMERICA’S GALACTIC FOREIGN LEGION

  Book 21: Breaking Very Bad

  by Walter Knight

  Chapter 1

  I am Colonel Joey R. Czerinski, Foreign Legion military commander of a vast desert demilitarized zone on planet New Colorado, separating the United States Galactic Federation and humanity from the Arthropodan Empire and the spiders on our distant colony. An uneasy truce holds, regulating my duties to mostly policing commerce and traffic at New Gobi City, the area’s main border crossing point.

  I’m not a cop, but some days I feel like it. Drug smuggling endangers the peace. The Empire threatened to take matters into their own claws if humanity didn’t clean up its act and stop the traffic of blue powder from the south. Corruption and a porous border aggravated the problem, but reinforcements were trickling in. Just today, Legion recruits specially trained in anti-drug interdiction had arrived. What they lacked in experience, they made up for with enthusiasm.

  Privates Valtar Whyte and Jesse Pink stood at attention in my air-conditioned office. Whyte seemed haggard, but Pink was full of energy, barely able to contain his enthusiasm to fight drug-dealing spiders. I gazed at their files, returning their salutes.

  “It says here you both are chemical warfare experts,” I read out loud doubtfully. “What good does that do me if we don’t have chemical weapons, and, per treaty, we’re not allowed to use them anyway?”

  “Yo, bitch!” shouted Private Pink. “I’m not supposed to be here! This Legion abduction is bogus! Hook me up with my lawyer, pronto!”

  Master Sergeant Green grabbed Pink by the collar and slammed him headfirst into the wall. The dent to both Pink’s head and the wall would be permanent. Pink slumped to the floor. I turned my attention to Whyte. “Well? Do you have anything to add?”

  “Perhaps we can manufacture our own chemical weapons,” suggested Whyte reasonably, wanting to please. “It could be done with the right resources.”

  “I’m more interested in fighting the local drug problem than creating a nerve gas incident,” I explained. “I get a lot of bad press. What do you know about blue powder?”

  “Drugs are just simple chemistry. What’s there to know?”

  “Drug dealers are manufacturing blue powder right here in New Gobi City,” explained Major Lopez, my usually stoic XO. “We are losing the galactic war on drugs. Where are they getting the chemicals? How can we stop their supply networks?”

  “The Legion is rumored to be corrupt to the core,” advised Whyte, eying Major Lopez. “I’m just a private. What can I do?”

  “Yet you enlisted for the duration,” I bristled, sensitive to phony corruption allegations. “Both of you did, but I’ll probably have Private Pink shot. This is the New Gobi Desert. Everything here pokes, bites, or stings. You ever been in the desert? The dry air will suck the life out of you in a day. Remember that, and you’ll live another day.”

  Whyte seemed unfazed by my warning. “In spite of Pink’s indiscretion, we were trained as a team. I’ll talk to Pink when he wakes up.”

  “You do that,” I ordered. “Report to Corporal Guido Tonelli for orientation at the main gate border crossing. Tonelli will square you away and tell you what you need to know to survive the Gobi and to make something of your life in the Foreign Legion. I’m not allowed to ask about your past,
but you are being given a chance to make something of yourself in the Legion. Do the Legion proud, and you will prosper. Make a difference. Stay loyal, or your parched bones will be covered by the shifting sand dunes. No one will care or miss you. Understand, legionnaire?”

  “Yes, sir.”

  * * * * *

  Major Lopez and Whyte carried Pink, still woozy, to his barracks cubical.

  “I’m the reason you were assigned here,” announced Major Lopez, breaking the silence. “I know you two were chemists on Old Earth before your fugitive status. Now you work for me and the CIA. Ready to cook?”

  “Get off me!” shouted Pink, coming to as they set him on his bunk. “My cooking days are over. You can go to hell.”

  “It’s over when the Legion says it’s over.”

  “Does Colonel Czerinski know you’re trafficking blue powder?” asked Whyte. “I don’t want to cross the Butcher of New Colorado.”

  “No, this is a top-secret CIA mission. You will cook high-quality blue powder just like you did on Old Earth. After we establish distribution channels, we will drive out competition with my Legion contacts and dominate the planetary blue powder market. Then, we slip a special slow-acting lethal dose of poison into the product, killing every junkie on the planet.”

  “Yo, are you out of your mind?” asked Pink incredulously. “You want us to help the CIA commit mass murder? Bullshit. This is on you.”

  “Our mission has been approved at the highest levels on both sides of the border. Finally, we’re taking serious steps to win the galactic war on drugs. This time we will eliminate the source of the blue-powder scourge, the low-life users of the criminal underclass. You will appreciate, as a bonus, our enterprise will be very profitable up until D-Day.”

  “How profitable?” asked Whyte with genuine interest. “We’ll be partners?”

  “Millions for each of you, legal and tax-free. There will be no DEA raining on your party this time.”

  “You’re one cold-blooded Mengele son-of-a-bitch, dude,” accused Pink. “I won’t do it. You can’t force me, it’s illegal. You must be insane.”

  “Then you will be executed for not following orders. Read the fine print of your enlistment contract. You’re in for the duration.”

  “You’re an asshole!”

  “We’ll do it,” interrupted Whyte, stepping between Lopez and Pink. “My friend Jesse is just concussed from that blow to the head. He’ll come around when the pain stops.”

  “You both blow big time!” Pink screamed.

  “He needs rest and some painkiller,” continued Whyte. “You’ll see. Jesse will be fine.”

  “Good. I hope so, for both your sakes. Get settled. You start cooking in a week.”

  * * * * *

  “You can’t be serious,” griped Pink after Major Lopez left. “Yo, that Nazi bitch is crazy.”

  “Exactly,” agreed Whyte patiently. “That is why we need to tread lightly until an opportunity presents itself for us to desert. We will cook, make easy money, and flee rich to another planet. We deserve a break after all we’ve been through.”

  “I won’t murder my customers. I have pride in my product. I sure as hell won’t be Lopez’s bitch. No way. Even you can’t be serious about mass murder. Is that how you want to be remembered by your family?”

  “Of course not. Don’t worry, we’ll figure something out. But in the meantime, you need to get yourself under control. Play along. Hide your crazy. Acting out like you did on Old Earth doesn’t work here. You heard Colonel Czerinski. Everything in the desert conspires to kill us, including spiders. We need to chill in the shade like the creatures of the desert. The Legion has given us a second chance on life, offering restored wealth, health, and status. Fun, travel, and adventure. Be all we can be, an army of two, you and me. We can do this if we work together, Jesse. We deserve better than what we got on Old Earth.”

  “You’ll get what you deserve, I’m sure.”

  “Please, work with me.”

  “Fine, but I’ll kill that punk Lopez when the time comes. And, I’m going to get my crew together to move product.”

  * * * * *

  Major Lopez listened intently to their conversation from a hidden wiretap. No matter about Pink’s treason. It could be managed, for now. Those two fools would do his bidding, or else.

  “I’ll let them have their fun for now,” sneered DEA Special Agent Hanks, a shadowy figure that creeped-out even Lopez. “I’ll wait. But be certain, when this operation is complete, the long arm of justice will reach out across the galaxy and rip their throats out.”

  “That sounded personal,” commented Major Lopez. “What haven’t you told me?”

  “Whyte got his Legion reprieve and new identity by doing me a solid on Old Earth, avenging a buddy’s death. But it wasn’t enough. I’ll kill him and Pink myself before we’re through on New Colorado.”

  Chapter 2

  Badger and Skinny Pete smuggled blue powder across the border from the USGF to the Arthropodan side by duct-taping packets of blue powder to remote-controlled giant desert tortoises. Ha! Another use for duct tape.

  Smuggling drugs on tortoises was a slow process, but well worth the wait. No one dared mess with a tortoise because they were on the Endangered Species List. Molesting a tortoise was a serious felony on both sides of the border. Badger and Skinny Pete patiently watched their tortoise mule slowly navigate its way through a spider minefield.

  “Maybe we should duct-tape blue powder to jackrabbits,” suggested Badger, sweating profusely under the intense New Gobi sun. “At this rate, I’ll be sober before that stupid turtle gets across.”

  “Ever try to catch a jackrabbit?” asked Skinny Pete. “It can’t be done. Just chill. He’s almost to the road.”

  “There’s no chilling in one-hundred-twenty-degree heat!”

  “Get down! Spiders!”

  * * * * *

  A column of Arthropodan Marines crested the hill just as the tortoise reached the road. The lead armored car’s treads cracked the tortoise’s shell open like a green egg. A cloud of blue powder shot up over the spider marines as the column came to a halt.

  A spider officer jumped down to inspect the gooey mess. “What the hell? This is what happens when you don’t pay attention! Do you know how much paperwork this is going to cause?”

  “No, sir,” replied the driver.

  “Probably a lot. Those slugs with shells, yet another invasive species from Old Earth protected by treaty, are on the Protected Species List. Damn it, this is worse than running over those blue lizards and darter snails.”

  “That’s snail darters, sir. They’re fish and don’t live in the desert.”

  “See? Extinct already because of reckless drivers like you!”

  The driver and other spider marines inhaled deeply as the blue-powder cloud drifted past.

  “Don your masks!” ordered a sergeant. “That’s blue powder!”

  “Whatever,” replied the driver, sucking up more cloud. “Are we there yet?”

  “I’m there,” answered a gunner. “That’s some quality shit.”

  “Everyone stop breathing!” ordered the spider commander as he examined packets still taped to the tortoise. “Anyone who takes another breath is under arrest!”

  Marines crowded around to get a closer look at the accident. The spider commander reached for binoculars to scan the distant ridge across the minefield. Sure enough, two human pestilence lay concealed in the sage brush.

  “I see them, too,” advised the sergeant, a bit wobbly. “A fat human pestilence and a skinny one. Shall we open fire?”

  “Capture them for interrogation.”

  * * * * *

  Spider marines deployed across the border, circling behind Badger and Skinny Pete, taking them by surprise. The spider commander lorded over the hapless smugglers, pointing his pistol. “You’re under arrest. Who do you work for?”

  “We’re independent contractors,” answered Badger, proudly. “Hey! Yo
u spiders can’t arrest us on this side of the border. We’re American citizens. We have rights against alien abductions. It’s in the Constitution somewhere.”

  “Answer my questions, or you die on the spot. Who is your contact on our side? Why didn’t you use jackrabbits?”

  “Shut up with the jackrabbits.”

  The spider back-clawed Badger across the face with his pistol. Badger spit out a tooth as he tried to crawl away, but was stomped on by spider marines.

  “Tell him everything!” shouted Skinny Pete. “These spider dudes mean business. This ain’t Albuquerque.”

  “I can’t be killed,” boasted Badger in a moment of ill-advised bravado. “I’m the loveable sidekick that survived five seasons!”

  “That’s harsh, bro,” interrupted Skinny Pete, sensitive about critics’ comments. “Are you saying I’m not loveable?”

  “You’re an ugly crackhead,” accused Badger.

  “Man, that’s discrimination against crackheads. Talk about the junky calling the user an addict.”

  “Who do you work for?” repeated the spider commander, pointing his pistol at Skinny Pete. “Tell me now!”

  “The Legion,” confessed Skinny Pete, groveling at the commander’s feet. “Please don’t shoot me. We’re simple dues-paying members of the Actors’ Guild trying to make a living. Can’t we make a deal? I can tell you the location of the Legion’s blue-powder lab. Just let us go!”

  “I’m listening.”

  “It’s under the Pizza Hut in New Gobi City.”

  “Not KFC?” asked the spider commander skeptically. “That’s where I would have put it.”

  “No, it’s under Pizza Hut. I swear!”

  “Is the human pestilence subspecies Italiano using Mafia connections to move blue powder across the border?”